The passing of the Marriage Equality Act of 2011 in New York just gives me excitement and sparks hope that someday I would marry this person, even if I am just relying on impulse.
So, I met him again last Saturday. I had graduation rehearsals in the morning, and graduation pictorials in the afternoon. Initially I planned on meeting him right after I was done with the pictorials, just that I forgot to tell him about my plan for the day. I thought that he had the day by himself and it was easy to drag him to anywhere in the metro. But he was beat from his outing with his mom and friend the days prior, so he wanted to sleep in maybe.
I was done by 3.30pm. Long story cut short, I waited for 5 hours to see him, transferred places thrice while waiting for him. And I almost had a breakdown when he suddenly did not reply to my texts. Seriously, I wanted to cry. Then I began to think about the impact of this person in my life, of how patient I am to wait for him. I also thought of how long would I be able to wait for him, to be in a relationship? How long will I be patient to keep this friendship more than something special. If he was worth the wait? And for how long will I wait? How sure am I that it is fine to wait? So I decided to load in extra credits to call him, and I learned that his temporary prepaid phone ran out of credits to reply to my texts. He was also late, and he's sorry about it.
Frankly, I do not also see myself in being in a relationship with him because of my fear of landing in a long distance relationship. I've known myself more to discover that I am in fact much of a needy person, and that kind of relationship would give me a sucky situation that could result to infidelity. But there's a part of me right now, eager of telling him to enjoy something special with him now while we're in with each other's company, before he flies back to New York. Sometimes I contemplate if an open relationship would do for our future set-up, but I am worried that he might not understand this concept because he has not been in a relationship since birth. I am even more worried if my impulse is right, and the grounds for a mutual understanding is solid. He is in fact younger than me by almost 3 years, but he is taller than me. He is my type.
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| me and him, some 4 days after i first met him in new york. this was taken at central park during easter 2010 (apologies if i had to edit the picture) |
Initially, he invited me to come to a resort just at the nearby province of Pampanga to relax since he's having a vacation/staycation, so that what vacationers do. But then because of the weather forecasts of having bad weather for the week, I decided not to ask permission to my parents to let me come with him since I would eventually know the answer if I should. However I invited him if he wanted to hit a bar, especially an Irish pub type of bar with those stools since he said he's interested in going to one so that when he's back in NYC, he's accustomed to what's in store inside a bar, especially the standing type. And so he responded that he's game, maybe when he gets back, which I agreed, and that meant the Saturday.
Saturday, I woke up really early (5AM) because of the graduation rehearsals (8AM) in the morning. The weather was also not cooperating as the rains that morning, torrid, and it was cold. In the afternoon, it was my turn of getting photographed as a batch in one "class picture" with my fellow degree-takers on the same program. We somehow ended earlier than scheduled, at around 3.30pm. But before that I've already been texting him if we could meet some time in the afternoon. Because I was busy with the pictorial and of course being with friends, I did not notice that he has not replied to my texts. What I was complacent that I was going to see him right after the pictorial, never happened. I guess I expected too much. I thought that he could fetch me from the area and then go on our "date," our "Saturdate." But no.
So I waited until he replied. Apparently he had just woke up, and my plan that he would fetch me obviously was not going to happen. He and his mom also had a walk that night, like his mom was going to catch up with high school friends and he had to drop her there first before we could meet. Well, I lied, saying it was OK. That I was still with friends, and he wouldn't need to worry about anything. But the truth is, all of us who came from the rehearsals and the pictorials were already beat because we've been up early for a Saturday morning. Well for me, even though I was tired and beat that time, I still had the patience to go wait and to see him. Maybe I'm just too goal-oriented that I still like a part of my plan getting accomplished within a day. And I knew that since I was having a sucky day, why would I even miss the opportunity of turning the tables when I see him. He may have the worst sense of time, but he's young and he must not rush to feel that he's got all the time in the world. And of course, I was also part to blame for my own little disappointment. Had I related to him my plans for that day, then the day might have gone much better. Of course I apologized thinking that I should not always assume that he's always free.
And it became true. I mean, that the tables were turned. I always enjoy his company even though we both come from different perspectives and views. His has a little confrontational attitude in him, and with some part of misanthropy as well. Mine is liberal and open-minded. I tell him to not care too much on issues that he shouldn't depend too much on thinking and concluding on (taking for example when because he's ethnically Chinese, he doesn't like Japan because Japan keeps on denying what happened in Nanjing). But whatever he's bitter about, I don't know how I manage handle it. Maybe because he's cute to boot, and aside from his sometimes racist philosophy lies a very gentleman and a humanist heart.
What I enjoy talking with him is architecture. Architecture has been one of my best examples of frustrations, and should have I known how to draw decently in high school, I may have landed in architecture instead rather than a degree in international relations. Since he's studying architecture, I am revived of my youthful vibe of having appreciation in designing buildings. As one of my frustrations, I pretty much know who and what are Rem Koolhaas, Calatrava, Le Corbusier, Niemeyer, SOM, Zaha Hadid, etc. I also know the different types that can be heard so much in this field, like Brutalism, and the like. I also like it when he demonstrates how he build things, or when he has an idea how a building that we see could have been constructed. And I get tingly when he draws me stellar objects, just as if he's drawing me the house we would live in together someday.
And since the first days of his stay, the topic I dread to talk about is answering what he's supposed to do to his friend where he came out and confessed feelings to but denied his affections because the friend's straight. And so it happened that night at the bar and I told him that, "Ever since you got back, there was never an occasion where you would bring up that question again on what to do. Clearly you still care for him, and honestly, from experience, once you've cared for someone, that never changes. Sometimes you get angry at someone because you still care for him/her. Unless you've become totally indifferent. But what I'm telling you since the first time you told me about this, was to not do anything that you would regret later on." Then I think he got to his senses. So I continued, "Why are you acting as if your world revolves around this person? You've said you wanted to enjoy your life now while you're young, but how would you do so if you're allowing someone or some feeling to keep lingering on? Why do you have to focus on something that has been already done? And this something that has caused you pain?Isn't it time to give it a big leap forward?" And after that last line, he gave me a sorry smile and became lull maybe realizing the truth behind the words I've said. I also told him to divert the pressures he feels from regret, disappointment and anger to something he's more passionate about. Or to replace it with something he's been so much interested in (like me, if he is!). So later on after some beers and some shots of vodka, I dragged him to check out the Fete de la Musique that was happening in the other side of town (we were at Makati first, and the Fete was at the Fort Strip).
After an hour or so at the Fete, he had to leave because the mom wanted to be go home but good thing one of my good friends followed and we had a good time despite feeling a bit old because of the younger and hipster crowd that became the majority.
I don't know what he really thinks of me now. He's frank to me to say that I'm such an understanding and accepting person and friend that has developed a special moral adviser type of relation with him.
It's not really major, but I think I've finally put an end to his dilemma over his attraction and confession to his first cut. And hopefully, this time he sees me now.
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