Selasa, 28 Jun 2011
marry me in new york city pt.1
I can't help but like him more, get attracted to him more although I can sense him giving me the feelers that our friendship is more important than jumping to a relationship now.
The passing of the Marriage Equality Act of 2011 in New York just gives me excitement and sparks hope that someday I would marry this person, even if I am just relying on impulse.
So, I met him again last Saturday. I had graduation rehearsals in the morning, and graduation pictorials in the afternoon. Initially I planned on meeting him right after I was done with the pictorials, just that I forgot to tell him about my plan for the day. I thought that he had the day by himself and it was easy to drag him to anywhere in the metro. But he was beat from his outing with his mom and friend the days prior, so he wanted to sleep in maybe.
I was done by 3.30pm. Long story cut short, I waited for 5 hours to see him, transferred places thrice while waiting for him. And I almost had a breakdown when he suddenly did not reply to my texts. Seriously, I wanted to cry. Then I began to think about the impact of this person in my life, of how patient I am to wait for him. I also thought of how long would I be able to wait for him, to be in a relationship? How long will I be patient to keep this friendship more than something special. If he was worth the wait? And for how long will I wait? How sure am I that it is fine to wait? So I decided to load in extra credits to call him, and I learned that his temporary prepaid phone ran out of credits to reply to my texts. He was also late, and he's sorry about it.
Frankly, I do not also see myself in being in a relationship with him because of my fear of landing in a long distance relationship. I've known myself more to discover that I am in fact much of a needy person, and that kind of relationship would give me a sucky situation that could result to infidelity. But there's a part of me right now, eager of telling him to enjoy something special with him now while we're in with each other's company, before he flies back to New York. Sometimes I contemplate if an open relationship would do for our future set-up, but I am worried that he might not understand this concept because he has not been in a relationship since birth. I am even more worried if my impulse is right, and the grounds for a mutual understanding is solid. He is in fact younger than me by almost 3 years, but he is taller than me. He is my type.
Initially, he invited me to come to a resort just at the nearby province of Pampanga to relax since he's having a vacation/staycation, so that what vacationers do. But then because of the weather forecasts of having bad weather for the week, I decided not to ask permission to my parents to let me come with him since I would eventually know the answer if I should. However I invited him if he wanted to hit a bar, especially an Irish pub type of bar with those stools since he said he's interested in going to one so that when he's back in NYC, he's accustomed to what's in store inside a bar, especially the standing type. And so he responded that he's game, maybe when he gets back, which I agreed, and that meant the Saturday.
Saturday, I woke up really early (5AM) because of the graduation rehearsals (8AM) in the morning. The weather was also not cooperating as the rains that morning, torrid, and it was cold. In the afternoon, it was my turn of getting photographed as a batch in one "class picture" with my fellow degree-takers on the same program. We somehow ended earlier than scheduled, at around 3.30pm. But before that I've already been texting him if we could meet some time in the afternoon. Because I was busy with the pictorial and of course being with friends, I did not notice that he has not replied to my texts. What I was complacent that I was going to see him right after the pictorial, never happened. I guess I expected too much. I thought that he could fetch me from the area and then go on our "date," our "Saturdate." But no.
So I waited until he replied. Apparently he had just woke up, and my plan that he would fetch me obviously was not going to happen. He and his mom also had a walk that night, like his mom was going to catch up with high school friends and he had to drop her there first before we could meet. Well, I lied, saying it was OK. That I was still with friends, and he wouldn't need to worry about anything. But the truth is, all of us who came from the rehearsals and the pictorials were already beat because we've been up early for a Saturday morning. Well for me, even though I was tired and beat that time, I still had the patience to go wait and to see him. Maybe I'm just too goal-oriented that I still like a part of my plan getting accomplished within a day. And I knew that since I was having a sucky day, why would I even miss the opportunity of turning the tables when I see him. He may have the worst sense of time, but he's young and he must not rush to feel that he's got all the time in the world. And of course, I was also part to blame for my own little disappointment. Had I related to him my plans for that day, then the day might have gone much better. Of course I apologized thinking that I should not always assume that he's always free.
And it became true. I mean, that the tables were turned. I always enjoy his company even though we both come from different perspectives and views. His has a little confrontational attitude in him, and with some part of misanthropy as well. Mine is liberal and open-minded. I tell him to not care too much on issues that he shouldn't depend too much on thinking and concluding on (taking for example when because he's ethnically Chinese, he doesn't like Japan because Japan keeps on denying what happened in Nanjing). But whatever he's bitter about, I don't know how I manage handle it. Maybe because he's cute to boot, and aside from his sometimes racist philosophy lies a very gentleman and a humanist heart.
What I enjoy talking with him is architecture. Architecture has been one of my best examples of frustrations, and should have I known how to draw decently in high school, I may have landed in architecture instead rather than a degree in international relations. Since he's studying architecture, I am revived of my youthful vibe of having appreciation in designing buildings. As one of my frustrations, I pretty much know who and what are Rem Koolhaas, Calatrava, Le Corbusier, Niemeyer, SOM, Zaha Hadid, etc. I also know the different types that can be heard so much in this field, like Brutalism, and the like. I also like it when he demonstrates how he build things, or when he has an idea how a building that we see could have been constructed. And I get tingly when he draws me stellar objects, just as if he's drawing me the house we would live in together someday.
And since the first days of his stay, the topic I dread to talk about is answering what he's supposed to do to his friend where he came out and confessed feelings to but denied his affections because the friend's straight. And so it happened that night at the bar and I told him that, "Ever since you got back, there was never an occasion where you would bring up that question again on what to do. Clearly you still care for him, and honestly, from experience, once you've cared for someone, that never changes. Sometimes you get angry at someone because you still care for him/her. Unless you've become totally indifferent. But what I'm telling you since the first time you told me about this, was to not do anything that you would regret later on." Then I think he got to his senses. So I continued, "Why are you acting as if your world revolves around this person? You've said you wanted to enjoy your life now while you're young, but how would you do so if you're allowing someone or some feeling to keep lingering on? Why do you have to focus on something that has been already done? And this something that has caused you pain?Isn't it time to give it a big leap forward?" And after that last line, he gave me a sorry smile and became lull maybe realizing the truth behind the words I've said. I also told him to divert the pressures he feels from regret, disappointment and anger to something he's more passionate about. Or to replace it with something he's been so much interested in (like me, if he is!). So later on after some beers and some shots of vodka, I dragged him to check out the Fete de la Musique that was happening in the other side of town (we were at Makati first, and the Fete was at the Fort Strip).
After an hour or so at the Fete, he had to leave because the mom wanted to be go home but good thing one of my good friends followed and we had a good time despite feeling a bit old because of the younger and hipster crowd that became the majority.
I don't know what he really thinks of me now. He's frank to me to say that I'm such an understanding and accepting person and friend that has developed a special moral adviser type of relation with him.
It's not really major, but I think I've finally put an end to his dilemma over his attraction and confession to his first cut. And hopefully, this time he sees me now.
The passing of the Marriage Equality Act of 2011 in New York just gives me excitement and sparks hope that someday I would marry this person, even if I am just relying on impulse.
So, I met him again last Saturday. I had graduation rehearsals in the morning, and graduation pictorials in the afternoon. Initially I planned on meeting him right after I was done with the pictorials, just that I forgot to tell him about my plan for the day. I thought that he had the day by himself and it was easy to drag him to anywhere in the metro. But he was beat from his outing with his mom and friend the days prior, so he wanted to sleep in maybe.
I was done by 3.30pm. Long story cut short, I waited for 5 hours to see him, transferred places thrice while waiting for him. And I almost had a breakdown when he suddenly did not reply to my texts. Seriously, I wanted to cry. Then I began to think about the impact of this person in my life, of how patient I am to wait for him. I also thought of how long would I be able to wait for him, to be in a relationship? How long will I be patient to keep this friendship more than something special. If he was worth the wait? And for how long will I wait? How sure am I that it is fine to wait? So I decided to load in extra credits to call him, and I learned that his temporary prepaid phone ran out of credits to reply to my texts. He was also late, and he's sorry about it.
Frankly, I do not also see myself in being in a relationship with him because of my fear of landing in a long distance relationship. I've known myself more to discover that I am in fact much of a needy person, and that kind of relationship would give me a sucky situation that could result to infidelity. But there's a part of me right now, eager of telling him to enjoy something special with him now while we're in with each other's company, before he flies back to New York. Sometimes I contemplate if an open relationship would do for our future set-up, but I am worried that he might not understand this concept because he has not been in a relationship since birth. I am even more worried if my impulse is right, and the grounds for a mutual understanding is solid. He is in fact younger than me by almost 3 years, but he is taller than me. He is my type.
 |
| me and him, some 4 days after i first met him in new york. this was taken at central park during easter 2010 (apologies if i had to edit the picture) |
Initially, he invited me to come to a resort just at the nearby province of Pampanga to relax since he's having a vacation/staycation, so that what vacationers do. But then because of the weather forecasts of having bad weather for the week, I decided not to ask permission to my parents to let me come with him since I would eventually know the answer if I should. However I invited him if he wanted to hit a bar, especially an Irish pub type of bar with those stools since he said he's interested in going to one so that when he's back in NYC, he's accustomed to what's in store inside a bar, especially the standing type. And so he responded that he's game, maybe when he gets back, which I agreed, and that meant the Saturday.
Saturday, I woke up really early (5AM) because of the graduation rehearsals (8AM) in the morning. The weather was also not cooperating as the rains that morning, torrid, and it was cold. In the afternoon, it was my turn of getting photographed as a batch in one "class picture" with my fellow degree-takers on the same program. We somehow ended earlier than scheduled, at around 3.30pm. But before that I've already been texting him if we could meet some time in the afternoon. Because I was busy with the pictorial and of course being with friends, I did not notice that he has not replied to my texts. What I was complacent that I was going to see him right after the pictorial, never happened. I guess I expected too much. I thought that he could fetch me from the area and then go on our "date," our "Saturdate." But no.
So I waited until he replied. Apparently he had just woke up, and my plan that he would fetch me obviously was not going to happen. He and his mom also had a walk that night, like his mom was going to catch up with high school friends and he had to drop her there first before we could meet. Well, I lied, saying it was OK. That I was still with friends, and he wouldn't need to worry about anything. But the truth is, all of us who came from the rehearsals and the pictorials were already beat because we've been up early for a Saturday morning. Well for me, even though I was tired and beat that time, I still had the patience to go wait and to see him. Maybe I'm just too goal-oriented that I still like a part of my plan getting accomplished within a day. And I knew that since I was having a sucky day, why would I even miss the opportunity of turning the tables when I see him. He may have the worst sense of time, but he's young and he must not rush to feel that he's got all the time in the world. And of course, I was also part to blame for my own little disappointment. Had I related to him my plans for that day, then the day might have gone much better. Of course I apologized thinking that I should not always assume that he's always free.
And it became true. I mean, that the tables were turned. I always enjoy his company even though we both come from different perspectives and views. His has a little confrontational attitude in him, and with some part of misanthropy as well. Mine is liberal and open-minded. I tell him to not care too much on issues that he shouldn't depend too much on thinking and concluding on (taking for example when because he's ethnically Chinese, he doesn't like Japan because Japan keeps on denying what happened in Nanjing). But whatever he's bitter about, I don't know how I manage handle it. Maybe because he's cute to boot, and aside from his sometimes racist philosophy lies a very gentleman and a humanist heart.
What I enjoy talking with him is architecture. Architecture has been one of my best examples of frustrations, and should have I known how to draw decently in high school, I may have landed in architecture instead rather than a degree in international relations. Since he's studying architecture, I am revived of my youthful vibe of having appreciation in designing buildings. As one of my frustrations, I pretty much know who and what are Rem Koolhaas, Calatrava, Le Corbusier, Niemeyer, SOM, Zaha Hadid, etc. I also know the different types that can be heard so much in this field, like Brutalism, and the like. I also like it when he demonstrates how he build things, or when he has an idea how a building that we see could have been constructed. And I get tingly when he draws me stellar objects, just as if he's drawing me the house we would live in together someday.
And since the first days of his stay, the topic I dread to talk about is answering what he's supposed to do to his friend where he came out and confessed feelings to but denied his affections because the friend's straight. And so it happened that night at the bar and I told him that, "Ever since you got back, there was never an occasion where you would bring up that question again on what to do. Clearly you still care for him, and honestly, from experience, once you've cared for someone, that never changes. Sometimes you get angry at someone because you still care for him/her. Unless you've become totally indifferent. But what I'm telling you since the first time you told me about this, was to not do anything that you would regret later on." Then I think he got to his senses. So I continued, "Why are you acting as if your world revolves around this person? You've said you wanted to enjoy your life now while you're young, but how would you do so if you're allowing someone or some feeling to keep lingering on? Why do you have to focus on something that has been already done? And this something that has caused you pain?Isn't it time to give it a big leap forward?" And after that last line, he gave me a sorry smile and became lull maybe realizing the truth behind the words I've said. I also told him to divert the pressures he feels from regret, disappointment and anger to something he's more passionate about. Or to replace it with something he's been so much interested in (like me, if he is!). So later on after some beers and some shots of vodka, I dragged him to check out the Fete de la Musique that was happening in the other side of town (we were at Makati first, and the Fete was at the Fort Strip).
After an hour or so at the Fete, he had to leave because the mom wanted to be go home but good thing one of my good friends followed and we had a good time despite feeling a bit old because of the younger and hipster crowd that became the majority.
I don't know what he really thinks of me now. He's frank to me to say that I'm such an understanding and accepting person and friend that has developed a special moral adviser type of relation with him.
It's not really major, but I think I've finally put an end to his dilemma over his attraction and confession to his first cut. And hopefully, this time he sees me now.
Rabu, 22 Jun 2011
running deeper into the woods
to the derelict cabin
first lighting a fag
then lighting a match
now to a can
full of photographs of...
it's been long enough
to keep
they burn in silence
in solace
and to leave them to reduce to particles
that i would not recognize
speeding out of the density of foliage
this sea of green
the hue makes me sane
as dark colors me
at home
at the doorstep
i reach and find
gray dust
ash!
and slowly as i open the door
i see more
up the stairs there are more
and on my bed
just you.
to the derelict cabin
first lighting a fag
then lighting a match
now to a can
full of photographs of...
it's been long enough
to keep
they burn in silence
in solace
and to leave them to reduce to particles
that i would not recognize
speeding out of the density of foliage
this sea of green
the hue makes me sane
as dark colors me
at home
at the doorstep
i reach and find
gray dust
ash!
and slowly as i open the door
i see more
up the stairs there are more
and on my bed
just you.
Jumaat, 17 Jun 2011
and then what am I to do when he keeps on asking for advice on how to treat that guy. Sometimes I just find myself giving him advice on to realize about it himself because I don't know. and then I also try to make him realize for other people.
I just don't want to lose him as a friend if ever I can't help myself pretending.
I just don't want to lose him as a friend if ever I can't help myself pretending.
I just hope that one day he'll not only see but feel something special in me. But I'm beat waiting, and he's the only option I've got. Shall I give this a try? Or should I not?
It's just hard to remain friends with someone you're so attracted to and you don't know if you're being obvious of what you genuinely feel about the person, and if the person also feels the same way. But he keeps on talking about that straight guy who dumped him and what should he do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. And it's also hard because if ever the feeling is mutual, he has to return back to New York and then what's going to become of us? I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone especially when it's the other person's first time to be in a relationship.
And I can't know what to do. I don't know how to not stop believing, and to hold on to that feeling. I'm serious.
It's just hard to remain friends with someone you're so attracted to and you don't know if you're being obvious of what you genuinely feel about the person, and if the person also feels the same way. But he keeps on talking about that straight guy who dumped him and what should he do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. And it's also hard because if ever the feeling is mutual, he has to return back to New York and then what's going to become of us? I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone especially when it's the other person's first time to be in a relationship.
And I can't know what to do. I don't know how to not stop believing, and to hold on to that feeling. I'm serious.
What I miss with Papa and Reminiscing College
I just got back home from such an ecstatic event at the university area where I studied (Taft Avenue, Manila) and I feel so much more proud to become a Lasallian or maybe proud to become someone that I am now because of a Lasallian institution. I did not really study in the De La Salle University, I actually studied across the university, in it's sister institution -- the De La Salle - College of St. Benilde, which by its name also tells that it is overtly still Lasallian. And today, or rather yesterday (I have the habit of being confused when I tell about something that just happened the day before when I haven't slept yet as I consider it still being in one day) was the Centennial celebration of Lasallian presence in the Philippines. It was such a big day that the president of the country even initiated the start of the day's celebration with his presence, and scores of students, be it in the university or under its system flocked to the university area, and even just anyone as it was also open day. The town was literally in the streets. And the funny thing was, everyone came wearing green as it was our color. It's just one of those bizarre opportunities you'll have when you study in the Philippines. As I was talking with a friend after the event, he was relating how nice would it be to feel being a college student in the Philippines than in the US as back here, college peers are more close knit. I kind of disagreed with him, knowing that he was not so much of a sociable person.
Anyway, I'm just proud of being who I am. Being green. It's just overwhelming to see the crowds earlier, and how the avenue looked vibrant with the festivities underway. I also had been nostalgic of walking along the avenue when I'm in the area, whether having a break or just hanging out with college friends. And I was also with two of my closest college friends. And being the silly students that we are, we missed how we would cut classes to escape to somewhere else. And it felt like that earlier, just that the whole school's with you and it was like midnight. Really really fun.
So as I was on my way home, I was thinking of too many topics on the jeepney rather than staring at other passengers which can't be helped as the seats are designed in such a way that you can't escape from the habit. I don't know what I was thinking that led me to remember those beer nights I used to have back in Brunei with Papa. I call my dad "Papa" as growing up, that's how we got used to call him. Friday nights were what we used to spend beer nights on. It was our bonding time. It might sound too cliche as a "straight" activity to do, but that's just how we rolled our Friday nights. In Brunei, weekends were Fridays and Sundays. Usually on Thursdays and Saturdays, I spend the nights out with friends. So yeah, during Friday nights me and Papa bonded over beer and maybe with a DVD I've bought in the huge pirated DVD department store 'Komunis' or maybe catch a replay of a football game. Those times were also when we would go first to the border town of Malaysia, ie Kuala Lurah, to buy a maybe 6 bottles of Tiger beer or maybe Corona. And then sitting on the couch we would tell how our week went, forgetting the petty fights we would have each day during the weekdays. I was growing up, and being different, and growing up in Brunei, I felt constrained and limited of my expressions. Friday was the day that it was okay to talk easy of things. If I was illegal in Brunei, during Friday we both were doing somewhat illegal in Brunei as well. It's not really illegal for a non-Muslim to enter liquor back to Brunei, but everything is in moderation. Friday felt so easy, even if it also meant of the impending hangover that was to come the day after, as well as the difficulty of getting out of bed to go to school on a Saturday morning. Those things, I've treasured. Especially when you compare to what is going on in right now being back here in the Philippines. Sometimes I don't know where I really feel home and comfortable and relaxed. Earlier, before I left home, my mom even reminded me of not spending the night at someone else's house because I have my own house. I told her that I was getting sick of being at home almost everyday and every time. She did not respond.
It just sucks to live through this. I just feel weak and poor over here, especially when I think about money when money is not what it used to be. But I'll try to feel more grateful and thankful that my parents have tried with the best that they can to provide not only for me, but also for my brother.
However, I still miss our bonding time. I just wonder what has happened to that. What happened to their drive? Is it because they've seen my pictures of me being so red and drunk and smoking while drinking? I don't know. Maybe it's just really the money. It's depressing, and frustrating to think of them.
ps. I'm so hooked to listening to Robyn right now. Actually it's not only Robyn, but to other Scandinavian artists including but not limited to Lykke Li, Kleerup, Bjork, El Perro del Mar. But Robyn really stands out to me. Some time last week, I posted this video of "Call Your Girlfriend" by Robyn on my Facebook, and just felt for its lyrics. Also, listening to them somehow excites me of studying hopefully abroad for graduate school. I'm so drawn to studying in Aarhus University in Denmark and the University of Amsterdam, or just any school out there who would recognize my underrated efforts as a student just that I'm not really keen of studying again here in the Philippines. I like new things, and in my perspective everything I see new here are just a repeat of things I might have seen somewhere here and it just sickens me. I have even learned how to ride the bike as I noticed that this will become handy when I study abroad. We just don't have money. So for me to apply there, I'll need to test for TOEFL or IELTS again, and then apply for a scholarship that will let me in. Oh well, crossing fingers.
Anyway, I'm just proud of being who I am. Being green. It's just overwhelming to see the crowds earlier, and how the avenue looked vibrant with the festivities underway. I also had been nostalgic of walking along the avenue when I'm in the area, whether having a break or just hanging out with college friends. And I was also with two of my closest college friends. And being the silly students that we are, we missed how we would cut classes to escape to somewhere else. And it felt like that earlier, just that the whole school's with you and it was like midnight. Really really fun.
So as I was on my way home, I was thinking of too many topics on the jeepney rather than staring at other passengers which can't be helped as the seats are designed in such a way that you can't escape from the habit. I don't know what I was thinking that led me to remember those beer nights I used to have back in Brunei with Papa. I call my dad "Papa" as growing up, that's how we got used to call him. Friday nights were what we used to spend beer nights on. It was our bonding time. It might sound too cliche as a "straight" activity to do, but that's just how we rolled our Friday nights. In Brunei, weekends were Fridays and Sundays. Usually on Thursdays and Saturdays, I spend the nights out with friends. So yeah, during Friday nights me and Papa bonded over beer and maybe with a DVD I've bought in the huge pirated DVD department store 'Komunis' or maybe catch a replay of a football game. Those times were also when we would go first to the border town of Malaysia, ie Kuala Lurah, to buy a maybe 6 bottles of Tiger beer or maybe Corona. And then sitting on the couch we would tell how our week went, forgetting the petty fights we would have each day during the weekdays. I was growing up, and being different, and growing up in Brunei, I felt constrained and limited of my expressions. Friday was the day that it was okay to talk easy of things. If I was illegal in Brunei, during Friday we both were doing somewhat illegal in Brunei as well. It's not really illegal for a non-Muslim to enter liquor back to Brunei, but everything is in moderation. Friday felt so easy, even if it also meant of the impending hangover that was to come the day after, as well as the difficulty of getting out of bed to go to school on a Saturday morning. Those things, I've treasured. Especially when you compare to what is going on in right now being back here in the Philippines. Sometimes I don't know where I really feel home and comfortable and relaxed. Earlier, before I left home, my mom even reminded me of not spending the night at someone else's house because I have my own house. I told her that I was getting sick of being at home almost everyday and every time. She did not respond.
It just sucks to live through this. I just feel weak and poor over here, especially when I think about money when money is not what it used to be. But I'll try to feel more grateful and thankful that my parents have tried with the best that they can to provide not only for me, but also for my brother.
However, I still miss our bonding time. I just wonder what has happened to that. What happened to their drive? Is it because they've seen my pictures of me being so red and drunk and smoking while drinking? I don't know. Maybe it's just really the money. It's depressing, and frustrating to think of them.
ps. I'm so hooked to listening to Robyn right now. Actually it's not only Robyn, but to other Scandinavian artists including but not limited to Lykke Li, Kleerup, Bjork, El Perro del Mar. But Robyn really stands out to me. Some time last week, I posted this video of "Call Your Girlfriend" by Robyn on my Facebook, and just felt for its lyrics. Also, listening to them somehow excites me of studying hopefully abroad for graduate school. I'm so drawn to studying in Aarhus University in Denmark and the University of Amsterdam, or just any school out there who would recognize my underrated efforts as a student just that I'm not really keen of studying again here in the Philippines. I like new things, and in my perspective everything I see new here are just a repeat of things I might have seen somewhere here and it just sickens me. I have even learned how to ride the bike as I noticed that this will become handy when I study abroad. We just don't have money. So for me to apply there, I'll need to test for TOEFL or IELTS again, and then apply for a scholarship that will let me in. Oh well, crossing fingers.
Selasa, 14 Jun 2011
It's funny that most of my friends' parents know that I'm gay. And by the way, most of my friends are girls. So every time we meet and decide to sleep over at a friend's house, the parents aren't worried at all that their daughters might be having sex or whatever. Well, the thing is, they have actually done what the parents have been fearing, but of course with their boyfriends (mostly. lol). But they're not really worried of me having sex with their daughters. I'm even so much welcome in their homes that there was this one occasion that my friend's dad even insisted that every time we go home so late, it's better that I just spend the night over at their house, especially when I'm hitching with my friend because it's safer that way. As you know, Manila has a standing in heaps of artistic and dramatic car robberies in the world.
The sad thing is, at home my parents, especially my mom, is so paranoid when she learns that I didn't spend the night at home. The sadder thing is, they don't know I'm gay.
The sad thing is, at home my parents, especially my mom, is so paranoid when she learns that I didn't spend the night at home. The sadder thing is, they don't know I'm gay.
Isnin, 13 Jun 2011
Lucidity of Dreams
Late last night, I found a collection of videos of only the scenes of Jack McPhee in Dawson's Creek. As you know, or for you who are not quite aware of the character and the show, Jack McPhee was the first gay character in US television to kiss another gay character on the show. Also, Jack McPhee wasn't really the ideal gay guy you'd think in contemporary time. I mean come on, who wears loose outfits and tucks in collared shirts into his khakis. A bit odd, yeah?
I'm not really going to write about Jack McPhee here but of what effect I believe had on me last night after I watched his scenes from Season 5 to 6, up until the finale. I had a very lucid dream, which is not really uncommon lately. First, in the dream, I was still the main character, just that in another physique. In the dream I had the opportunity to look at the mirror to see who I might look like. I looked like a mix between Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo. And then the dream went around myself living a gay bachelor life, out and well-accepted which I think was the cause for "my" really good self-esteem and self-bearing. And then I came across knowing this other guy, who I think was still in the closet. Apparently, he was attracted to me, or yeah, he liked me. This guy looked like Kevin James, just that a bit buff and maybe without the big belly, but still on the bear type. And then I think we kind of hit it off when I knew that he was interested in me. I reciprocated his attraction, sensing his humility, sincerity and loyalty. Me, with the feeling that all that I was lacking in life was a partner, decided to settle down with him.
And then the last scene of the dream was me dressed in a plaid shirt and a good pair of jeans and chukkas, with a necktie worn as a bow tie at a gym locker room to fetch the partner. It was cute. And he was wearing the same kind of ensemble except that I was the one who tied the bow around his neck. Unfortunately my mom had to buzz in the room, and me being so sensitive to noise when I sleep, had to end the cute fairy tale I was having.
If only it were true.
I'm not really going to write about Jack McPhee here but of what effect I believe had on me last night after I watched his scenes from Season 5 to 6, up until the finale. I had a very lucid dream, which is not really uncommon lately. First, in the dream, I was still the main character, just that in another physique. In the dream I had the opportunity to look at the mirror to see who I might look like. I looked like a mix between Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo. And then the dream went around myself living a gay bachelor life, out and well-accepted which I think was the cause for "my" really good self-esteem and self-bearing. And then I came across knowing this other guy, who I think was still in the closet. Apparently, he was attracted to me, or yeah, he liked me. This guy looked like Kevin James, just that a bit buff and maybe without the big belly, but still on the bear type. And then I think we kind of hit it off when I knew that he was interested in me. I reciprocated his attraction, sensing his humility, sincerity and loyalty. Me, with the feeling that all that I was lacking in life was a partner, decided to settle down with him.
And then the last scene of the dream was me dressed in a plaid shirt and a good pair of jeans and chukkas, with a necktie worn as a bow tie at a gym locker room to fetch the partner. It was cute. And he was wearing the same kind of ensemble except that I was the one who tied the bow around his neck. Unfortunately my mom had to buzz in the room, and me being so sensitive to noise when I sleep, had to end the cute fairy tale I was having.
If only it were true.
Jumaat, 10 Jun 2011
Khamis, 9 Jun 2011
Me and Pets
Why is it that when I talk about pets with friends, or even just thinking about pets silently myself, I always envision myself carrying a cat or puppy or even a Fennec fox at the door sending off my partner off to his work. And then afterwards I see myself coming to the kitchen to attend to the pet, that means feeding it.
Selasa, 7 Jun 2011
I can sometimes become so oblivious. Just like this:
I woke up today an hour past lunch time and did nothing but surf on cyberspace and watch TV. Basically nothing. Now as I'm about to sleep I wonder where that weird and funky musky smell comes from and because I have a huge mirror in my bedroom, I saw that I haven't changed since last night. Meaning to say, my last time I changed clothes was before I slept last night, when I had cleaned before sleeping. So I realized that because I was too oblivious doing nothing I completely forgot to take a bath, hence the body odor.
Just WTF.
I woke up today an hour past lunch time and did nothing but surf on cyberspace and watch TV. Basically nothing. Now as I'm about to sleep I wonder where that weird and funky musky smell comes from and because I have a huge mirror in my bedroom, I saw that I haven't changed since last night. Meaning to say, my last time I changed clothes was before I slept last night, when I had cleaned before sleeping. So I realized that because I was too oblivious doing nothing I completely forgot to take a bath, hence the body odor.
Just WTF.
Khamis, 2 Jun 2011
DC
A guy that I was interested in already came out to me. I know it's a good thing, but when he told me about it, he also told me of this Colombian dude he's crushing on back in New York City. That's the bittersweet truth.
Now, I'll be more bolder. I can get him, if I can hit the right chords. Especially now that he actually told that dude first and the dude kind of dumped him.
But yeah. I really need to get back on dating now. Even if I don't really have the resources to do so (I'm unemployed now, WTF).
Now, I'll be more bolder. I can get him, if I can hit the right chords. Especially now that he actually told that dude first and the dude kind of dumped him.
But yeah. I really need to get back on dating now. Even if I don't really have the resources to do so (I'm unemployed now, WTF).
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