I hate my boss so much

My boss is a good man. But he has this messianic complex. He knows all the good for everybody, even without knowing everything about them.

:(

It still hurts, you know?
It hurts when I remember all of a sudden the way how we met.
It hurts for me how I can't emote on the bus to work. I wish buses didn't have windows.

How do I maintain oblivion that everyday will be a good day. That I won't miss you.

It hurts because I feel I'm stuck. I want to move on, but my heart is refusing me. Like I'm frozen to the ground. I want to leave, but I feel lost. I don't know where I am and I don't know where to go.

I wonder who you watch those new movies with. We used to go on a lot of dates watching movies. It's either I buy the tickets or pay the food. Who ever has more money to spend. It pains me reading those new status messages on Facebook about how you love this movie, this food. While we were still together, we rarely chanced on watching the good ones that you would love. You were hard to impress.

I'm still hurting, and it looks like it's nothing to you. But yes, you won't see me crying. Because even if you weren't looking, I haven't cried for you yet.

Over

Dear blog, Andrew and I are over.
Until now, it still pains to for me to remember especially when sudden flashbacks of what you've had and what you shared all come rushing like a sudden torrent in a waterfall. You can finally hear the heartache of one hand clapping. It's been two weeks ago.

But I was the one who called it quits. Nothing matters to him but only himself. Too selfish, while I was too idealistic. I guess I'm still naive -- and he knows that. But he failed to be extra-caring to the fact I . I only had a few simple demands, while he had a lot.

The sex may be great, but what happens between those sexcapades pinned me the most -- security. The most crucial thing aside from his care, trust and love that I have to feel the most.

I'd like to think that I never regretted giving time, affection and uh, devotion to him.. but I do regret them. I regret spending almost four months of dating where in the end my heart got tired.

Honestly, I haven't cried. And maybe will not. My Tio Pablo (Neruda) has kept me company ever since. But if I do, then I will.

Dear blog, tonight and in any day I can write again. Not only the saddest lines.

Hello blog. I think I'm starting to trust Andrew.

I am not a very trusting person. Not even my friends. But I don't know why. He's just too honest. He even tells me about this night he made out with some stranger in a bar when he was out with his friends the other night.

I didn't get jealous, instead I felt relieved in a weird way. I mean, if he gets to tell you in all honesty the things he shouldn't be doing while you're in this process of dating.. then that is something.. right?

Oh and last night was cute. Cuddling all night long. I feel such a kid again. :)

I don't know if I should start worrying when every time we finish on bed, he always ends up saying "you're really good at this you lil' whore.."

Makes me feel like we're only up for the physical. And he really makes me feel like a whore, like uhm, dirty..?

But I've already talked to him about this, and he said he'll try his best. He said he's just kidding with me, but with the consistent remarks, I think it's the otherwise. I give people chances, so why not give him too? BESIDES, no big deal. It's just that aspect, yet it's a bit worrisome. I mean this because I'm still developing feelings for him.

Maybe I should start complementing him too, since he's also a bit good at it. Whatever.

I should start a sex diary. Yuck no. Hmm..?

Cheated. He knew. And he didn't get very mad.

Why?

Because he knows I don't love him yet. I may like him, so much, but my heart just doesn't follow right away.

Dating

If you could scroll down more towards the end of this page, there you'll read about my risky flirting performance while on public transport, or on the streets to be more precise.

Whatever. Yeah. I'm dating Andrew.

There are days where I get so mad, sometimes without reason, or sometimes beyond it, that I dream of carrying an infinite supply of black paint and splashing them over things that irk me along the way -- people, places, memories. Or maybe a giant eraser to help me correct mistakes because somehow, things that irk me turn out to be the consequences of my mistakes.

"It may be the coldest day of the year, what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again."

 - Frank O'Hara, Meditations in an Emergency (1957)

decent flirting on the streets

Whenever I'm commuting, especially when riding the bus, my eyes are always out on the streets -- comparing the chaos the development is doing in the metropolis, and the calm of the passengers trying to get home after a hard day.

After a long day staring at two computer screens in front of me, I consider it a blessing that my eyesight hasn't been spared, yet, except of course if you consider my pre-office life nearsightedness. It is amusing to see the city, especially at night with all the cars and the traffic, their dizzying headlights and nauseating fumes and other passengers from other vehicles. It makes me curious if what I'm doing inside the vessel I'm in is acceptable if I see other people from other vehicles doing the same. Most of the time, they're just snobs.

Tonight it was different. I was staring out into a black Honda Civic when its driver, a yuppie a few years older than me, also looked and stared at me so fast he caught me. So I just smiled and nodded my head to just play it cool. He did the same, only that he said 'hello' (I know he was some 10-15 feet away but according to my lipreading skills, that's what he said). Soon the traffic moved forward and I lost his view. I continued my treat of looking out of the window. Almost at my stop, and already concluding what other solutions could be done to help this country develop further (LOL), I saw the same car again this time with the driver's seat windows down with the driver's head sticking out. I saw his lips pouting and pointing forward. I went down on the next stop because I knew what he meant.

His name's Andrew and like a bored city-dweller on the road like me, he was just up for some random tricks tonight. I know it sounds a bit risky to ride a stranger's car especially when you just knew him in this kind of way -- but let's say I was also feeling adventurous tonight. Plus for a decent-looking dude in a decent car, then HE IS DECENT, yes?

"Where do you live? I can drop you over at your place." "Well I live at ****..." "Cool! We live in the same village. I'm kinda starving.. you hungry?" "I am.. and I think I know where this conversation is going, but I can't.. my parents' wedding anniversary today so we have a small family dinner at home.." "I see.. uhm, I could get hungry tomorrow this time too..."

Before he finished his sentence, I already cut him to say that I might get hungry like him too and agreed to have dinner some place inside our village. I didn't even ask him where he worked, or what he does. Maybe that's what we'll talk about tomorrow. So we just exchanged numbers and tomorrow we're meeting at the dinner place. He's cute, and like me (for now) he's a bit stocky -- probably because of the Holidays.


ps. Yes, I'm a bit flabby now because I don't have much time to exercise or work out because work is draining me out. And my tummy was in the mood to take in a lot of excess during the Holidays. What can I say, no one serves ordinary meals during the Holidays!

It's more FUN in the Philippines!

I love this. And I miss debating! This video was shown during the opening dinner of the 2011-2012 WUDC Championships here in Manila.

After a week of always being out with fellows from the debate world, I've heard enough reasons why this country I'm living in, this country which name is engraved on my passport -- can be so unforgettable to foreign tourists who soul-search in our beaches, and blend in in our mall crowds. As I hear alcohol-scented facts about my country from local and foreign (some Oxbridge and Ivy League) die-hard debaters, the opposition in me couldn't oppose anymore but would just propose for a toast or an universal cheers. 
I'm glad these guys came here. But even I love this country to death, I'd still like to go somewhere and be on my own and experience the life of something or what else. Because I know when I always leave, I'll know where I belong -- some place where it's more fun!

People say we're like Brazil, just that we're in Asia. So what are you waiting for? Join the FUN!

ps. here's something that can help you convince yourself, if you need more dragging.

Back to work

After work on my way home, I take out my iPod and read a book. It's actually refreshing, and feels relaxing to read something off-screen. And as I plug my earphones, the world just doesn't happen for a short while.

I don't know.
I don't know where I am. :)
Sometimes I even miss my stop. haha

Goodbye 2011, HELLO 2012

From what I've seen in almost every social media platform I'm in, a lot of people, including me, didn't really enjoy 2011. It sucked, honestly. It was erratic, but most of the time it felt like I was always in the downstream. Rough and a roller coaster ride it was, the year wasn't stingy to provide a lot of learning and lessons. Life is far from what we get in school: in school we have lessons first, before the test; in life, the test comes first and then the lessons follow. Sometimes, they don't only bring lessons but consequences that are infinite and endless.

Whatever. Well, 2012, I've heard so many things about you. I hope you won't fail us, as I won't let you.
Here in 2012, I plan to strive to be closer to that someone I've envisioned myself being. Of course, not to be like a poser but as self-development. And yes I won't forget how important life should really be. Living good. Like the Italian phrase says "Vive bene, ridi spesso, ama molto" or "live well, laugh often and love more."



So let's all raise our glasses, and cheers for this new year! :)