Ang paglaladlad: ang dilemma

The truth is I really want to tell my parents the truth. The whole family. It gets tiring to keep a big secret from them, especially when you're just a couple of years away when they would ask about settling down.

The big secret that I'm gay.

My brother has known of my preference for a long time now. Even before I came out to him. He may not have shown me his acceptance the first time I told him, but his tolerance from the day he realized and the day I came out to him are just enough for me to be really grateful to him. Well even if we share condoms and lube, that is. He's straight, by the way.

My brother is overly-protective of me, and I always feel touched when he shows this side of him to me. Whenever I get into trouble, he would always be there to defend me. He's older than me, and we're only two, and he better be defensive for his lil' bro. As I'm close to his friends and when his friends and I are in tension, he's always there on my side, even if it was me who hath wronged at the start.

I can sense, and feel it that he supports me of whatever I am. Whenever I see his friends, they always tell me how proud my brother is of me, and how much he loves me. My brother happens to talk so much about me. Which is like me when I'm with my friends.

But my parents.. oh yeah, my very conservative and very religious parents. I don't know how to handle them sometimes. It's tough when you're all watching TV and all of a sudden a sensitive topic is discussed and they get so angry. Topics like abortion, divorce, gay marriage -- topics that every hardcore Catholic mom and dad would be very vocal against. It hurts me to know and foresee that if ever I tell them about my topic, I might face damnation.

I'm a very secular person. Perhaps because I've grown up elsewhere and I've grown up with diversity, and finding common ground with their people was a challenge. Religion was of course out of the question. But I did have a lot of friends and even with the distance, we're still 'close'. I may have my stance against abortion, but I respect the choices other people make. Their choices aren't for me, but for them. It's their responsibility to make, and like each other's responsibilities, we treat each other with respect.

I still believe in God. All religions believe in one God. We just call God differently. Faith is something important. It's something invisible, but you can feel that it's strong. When I feel losing grip on situations, and nothing else to cling to, I always think about my faith. Maybe faith can explain what else is there for me to exist for.

But religion, it's just not for me. How can I entrust myself to believe in a set of beliefs, when one of which I can't seem to believe in. When rather than feeling you're in the right path, you would feel being the wrong one all along.

God is love. Love is a good feeling. God is good. Homosexuality may be a sin in the church I go to, but I believe there's nothing wrong with me. What's really wrong is the people who keeps on believing that they're on the good side because they're associated with what they think is good. But what's good for them can't always be good for everyone.

I love my parents very much. I just wish they'd be happy for me as well. They're really good people, and I wouldn't turn out to be like this if it weren't for their upbringing. They're already getting old and I want to see them be happy for me as I am happy for myself. I want them to know that the faith they planted in me still lives, and is very personal to me. I want them to know that it doesn't matter what kind of religion or faith it is, but the importance to believe in something superior, almighty and all good, that is enough. All relationships that are bonded by the purity of love is blessed by God. Whatever it takes for the person to love God more, and have a better relationship, is special, and good. God is love.